The week before spelt meself another bout of doubt, frustration and sucky energy again. Shark conservation is not an easy sell; the more money some people have, the less they are willing to spend on; the lack of comfortable monthly income like before is definitely not a happy thing in all honesty, I miss having children around me all the time and I think the whole trigger came knowing that a dear friend isn’t going to be able to help me in the building The Dorsal Effect anymore…who could blame him though, I can hardly afford to pay him yet for now.
So I sank into tearful bouts again and Honwai rightly mentioned that I haven’t changed one bit, in terms of emotional impulses, since ten years ago. ADEX (Asian Dive Expo) was a great busy spell that kept negative thoughts at bay for a bit, although it also hit me that my initial plans of having half a booth and flying Agus down, and distributing flyers and selling The Dorsal Effect t-shirts could not take off with my lack of capital. Thank goodness for the free copy of Asian Diver with it’s focus on Whale Sharks and reading the articles about how ecotourism in Philippines has helped turned the fortunes of these beautiful leviathans did lift spirits and spark inspiration within me again.
I guess these few months of reflections and finding more about self (more the ugly side than otherwise) and coming to terms with who I am, what I value and how I deal with situations takes its toll on me sometimes, as I wonder, what if I am really made for mediocre only, despite once holding dear to the quote “mediocrity is a worse outcome than failure”?
It was really good catching up with Joyce again to put things in perspective and remember that even more so now, the need to put aside the emotional me is greater than when I was a teacher. The need to see resistance as opportunities and really get down to doing more research and finding alternative ways around to an end point, over and over again. Joyce is good for me in my life like that and yes, I just gotta plow through for now, quit moping already and let that passion draw me towards enabling steps for fulfillment in The Dorsal Effect. Trust and time to get my ass back to Lombok again soon!